Office Etiquitte

Dear Old Mister Marck,
I am currently in a business meeting with around 70 people. I do not work directly with any of them so you can imagine the discomfort. How would you manage this uncomfortable situation?
JMF in Nashville

70  people  in  a  meetin.....you  sure  you  not  at  a  vanderbilt  football  game.....i  would  fight  discomfort   with  malcomfort .....fartin  loudly  aromatically  and  constantly.....or   raise  your  arm   and  sniff  your  armpit...more  than  twice...pissin  on  the  plastic  tree  in  the  corner  of  the  room.....  by  followin  these  suggests   i  highly  doubt  you  will   you  will  find  yourself  in  such  a  situation   in  the  future  ... hope  this  helps

The Anonymous Hacker: Live Coverage

the  waters  rose  up.......the  big  trees  blew  down......hear  tell  of  people..   ... and  they    got  drowned.......like  floatin   timbers... in  a  river  that  aint.....i  thot  these  times.  owned...... a  patron  saint......... step  yourself ......  on   to  the  outside.....you  find  you  got......  nothin  to  hide......nowhere  you  can  go ..,that  the  wind  dont  blow.. ........nothin  the  wind  dont  know .......   ... the  smell  of  the  pyre.......the  moon  climbin  higher......and  the  constant  rain ..... it   falls  again.........if  this  aint  life.....  then  there  aint   no  livin........

Troubled in PA

My old auntie, Aunt Festus, seems to be greatly distraught. I think this may be a cause/effect result of the current state of flux in the NFL. She would not want to miss watching her Steelers. What could you suggest to help us?
Yours,
Uncle Hazel, Sully Skates, Pennsylvania

hazel....my  man.....please.......if  you  still  be  livin  with  that  old  "auntie"  of  yours........you  damn  sure  need  some    suggestionin........... tell  the  old  wench    that   she  and   the  steeler  nation  are  bad  humanwanttabes.......that  should   direct  her  distraughtness  elsewhere.........hope  this  helps 

Curious Aspects of Animal Behavior

Dear Old Mister Marck,
Do turtles really come out of their shells when not confronting enemies?
Yours, Curious

an excellent thot to pontificate .......best i can remember .......most my  turdlettes ... come  out  pertty .. rapidly ..... when i was endurin one of them  enemas ..... what th hell ....... hope  this  helps

Workin'

Dear Old Mister Marck,
I graduated from college almost 1 1/2 years ago and I still don't have a job. What would you recommend I go into, with a degree in English and American Literature?
Avalon in Tennessee

well  ms  avalon ... based  on  that  information ....i  think  you  should  go  into .....  the  closest  beer  store .....get  a  18 pack ..... go  to  a  safe  place .... drink  the  contents.... that  should  ease  your  worryin ...... although ... knew  a  feller  once  degreed  up  similarly (alledgedly) ...... he  went  to  puttin  down  floors...   cant  say  how  that  worked  out  for  him .... hope  this  helps

Holiday Inquiry

Senor Anciano Marrco, 
Why they are pastellio colored conejo in my front yard? They are armed with huevos de color. Should I fear?
N. Barldo, Guadalajara

well mi amigo poco .... this time of ' the seasons around here we have domingo de resurreccion  ....... easter you know. ......... but i truly do not know what the hell a rabbit and colored eggs have to do with any  of that ....... i  degress ... to answer your question .........dont fear the rabbit ....... hope this helps

Relocation Inquiries

Dear Old Mister Marck
I'm thinking  perhaps of relocating to the  Southeast.  I am an avid equestrian. Would you recommend  Tennessee or Kentucky  as the  most horse-friendly  state? 
Mo in Jersey

well ma'am you have asked a very good  quandry...... i myself am a libra..... if  you be a aquestrianist ...... i  guess  you  cant  help  that......but....as  far  as  bein  horsey.... all i  know about them  is.....they are 1200#s of  malicious hairy beasts ...... only put on this earth to do bodily harm to mankind ...... so i  reckon you can use your own good judgement on that ...... did  used to sell horse feed  years ago now that  you mention it ..... hope  this  helps

International Requests

Dear Old Mister Marck,
My name is Avak Sebouh Antraing. I live now in Armenia. I would love to live in America. Any thought you might have would be greatly regarded.
A.S. Antraing, Armenia

avak....come on down....dont see no reason that you should not ..... what th hell .. .theres all types  of 'nians around here in this ...USA ..... we would be tickled to see you ....hope  this  helps .........[ you gonna buy  a beer/bakker  store?]

Self-Sustainability

Dear OldMisterMarck,
We are trying to teach our children to be cognizant of self-sustainability. Any tips?
Clarice in Vermont

Dear Clarice,
thats a good question... in my youth i found myself in a situation that required self sustainability..... so i put on my oversized jacket....walked to the local market of that town....stuffed said jacket with various food items......went to the counter...bought..a stick of gum.....walked out...back to the place i was stayin......i did not starve that week....hope this helps.......

Connubial Perplexment

Dear OldMisterMarck,
My  husband aint got  no  job. He  sits around and drinks beer all  day,  and I think he be smokin  dope. Might  you  have  words  that  would  straiten  hiss  ass  out?
Maybelle in South Georgia

well  maybelle ... i  can  tell  you  if  you  are a  bigolesouthgeorgia350pounder   fried  chicken woofin  hag like i think  you  might  be......i  truly  cant  blame  the  skrawny little  feller. ... hope  this  helps