Telephone Trouble

Dear Old Mister Marck:
I reside in my house alone, by myself. The phone rings frequently and I must scurry to answer  it. I have almost fallen more than once in trying to answer the phone. Your advice, young man, will be gratefully considered. Thank you.
Miss Vela Groom
Newtown, TN

Miss Vela... how  nice  that  you  would  call  me  young... that  leads me  to  think  that  youre  probably  older  than me... i  do  have  the  answer (write  this  down  ma'am): just  because  the  f^%#*n  phone  rings ...does  not  mean  you  have  to  answer  it.... your  phone  most  likely  has  caller ID  on it.. .let the damn thing  ring... and worry with it  later... i am in the phonebook... call  if i can assist you  further.... hope  this  helps.....

Animal House

Dear Old Mister Marck: Down here where we live, our neighbor's pets are causing damage to our landscaping and our curb appeal. My wife and I  thought perhaps you  could help. Yours, Bubber Paris, Texas Yes .... yes ... Bubber  my  man...  i  have  done... i  mean  i have spent time  in  that  part  of texas ..... that  bein said ... i  think  i might  be  correct  on  this  one ... your  neighbors  pets  is  more  than likely... armadllios ... and/or ... lizards  or  rodents  of  equal  size ... your  double-wide  in  the  dust ... probably  needs  some  aereatin  and irragatin  and  fertilizin ... trust  me ... dont  worry  bout  it ... tell  mrs. bubber ... (when  she  gets out) ... that you gots  a  plan .... hope this helps

A Sporting Chance

Dear Old Mister Marck:
First let me say that I am so glad that you are not dead. I've missed your insights these past few months. My boyfriend and I enjoy going to various sports bars on Sundays to watch NFL football games. We meet our friends and make new ones. But lately we have noticed a large group of men in suits and dark glasses at each bar we might attend. Do you think that we are under surveillance?
Leigh in Rutherford

Well, miss leigh ... i  also  may  or  may  not  be  glad  i aint  dead too ...been  on a adventure  that  took  a little  time .... but in  regards  to  your  concerns ... you aint  bein  followed  and/or   monitored  ....them  men  are  just  fresh  out  of their  respective  church  meetins ... wear  the  shades  for camofluage ...... they  just want  some  beer ... whisky ... eyecandy .... and  watch  some  football ..... should  be  pretty  much  harmless ... unless  they be  all drunked  up ... and  you  are  wearing  the  other  teams  colors ... hope  this  helps...

Earth Science

Dear Old Mister Marck,
My name is Kellie. I am very curious about the brood xix cicadas. They came, made noise and splattered on my car. My car is a '99 Honda Accord. Sweet sound system. Its color is blue, which is my favorite color because Mother almost named me Blue. But I came out a girl and not a boy. It that not so hilarious!!?? Oops, I almost forgot. What is going on with brood xix?
Kellie

P.S. I am a middle school teacher in Lower South Kentucky which is not the same as Upper North Kentucky. Me and Daddy -- he's the principal -- anxiously await your reply.

 .......hon ... i  truly  do  appreciate.... you  axin  me .... about  them  ceecaders...   but  i  do  not  think ..... any  thing  i  may  or  may  not  tell  you...... is  worth  the  effort...... hope  this  helps....

Animal Control Problems

Hello Mr.Marck,
I have a pest problem at work.No it’s not the 2 legged kind of pest but the 4 legged kind. I hear tell that you are an expert on squirrels. Here is my problem.We recently discovered that we have a squirrel living under the refrigerator in our warehouse. So as not to cause  any harm,we have taken him outside 3 times,  but the little critter just keeps coming back in. All he does all day is scamper across the warehouse floor looking for morcels of left over food that the sloppy sales people drop on the floor. Would it be considered inhumane to drop kick him across the parking lot, or should we just let him live in our warehouse and make a good pet out of him? We have thought about trapping him in a sales office with a certain salesperson and cut the lights off and see what happens. What are your thoughts?
Signed,
Jethro from Gobblers Knob


gobblers  knob.....  i  was  in  proximity  of  that place  ... just  a couple  months  ago....... in  search  of  a pint  of  ...human  ethanol  as it  were....  now  anybody  what  gots  a  job.... they  gonna  have  pest  problemos..... .and  you  got  that  right... I am  bona  fide  squirrel  expert well-knowledged...... i  truly  do  not  know  how  any  human   bein.....  with  any  amount  of  decency.... would  go  field goal  on  one  of  earths  tiniest  critters....( even  tho  they  just  be  Bushytailedtreeclimbinnuteatinwastesoffur) .............  i  would  suggest..... that  you  dropkick  them  poodlewalkin.... ... patent leather   size 15 shoe lickin... food  droppin.... "sales"people across the  parkin  lot.... tell em  to go  home  and ...... and  smack  their  mammies........  and  that  lights  out  lock-up  thing......now  that  would  depend  on  the  "sales"person....... probably  one  or  two  of  them  there... that  would  kinda  like  the  attention..... hope  this  helps...

Job-Hunting Strategies

Dear Old Mister Mark,
I am in my mid-fifties and through no fault of my own have lost my job. I have had plenty of job interviews but for some reason no offers. I feel like my honesty in the interview process is hurting my opportunity for new employment. My question to you, Mister Marck, is: should I be dishonest about jail time and substance abuse when questioned because it always seems to cut interview short, Please advise, as I need a job.
Mack from Tunica, Mississippi

damnit  mack.... i  truly do  feel  your  pain... i  hold  absolute  honesty  in  the  highest  of  regards..... such  philosophy  has  cost myself  many  a  job...... as  i  see  you  be  from  tunica... i  would  almost  think  that that  bunch  of  folks  ....would understand  a man  coolin  his  jets  for  awhile  incarcerated......... as  far  as  substance  abuse..... aint  no  such  thing...... hunt  my  ass down  if  you  ever  get  up  this  way ....... i  do  believe  you  could   help  me help  you.... hope this  helps  ......... 

Night Moves

I retired early. I had a precise lifeplan.  One night in cancun  has unfortunately altered things quite dramatically.  Your take on this, please.
Henri Fancerow
Cherry Valley, Virginia

ohh  yeahhh.......a  night in ...cancun.......i  had  a night  .....in  amarillo  texas  once.... didnt  last  too long....... but....i  reckon  my  take  would  be........ you  pretty  much  screwed  up ......in  a gigantesco  fashion.....  dont  know  what age  you  might  be .........but ........learn   to  accept   your  misery .....you  damn  sure  earned it........  not  that  there  is  nothin  wrong  with  that .......hope  this  helps...

Driving Tips

I am  a  stay-at-home  home schooling mom of six children.  My  19 year old daughter would like to learn the complexities of operating a motor vehicle. I am positive  a person of your experiences will be a deep source of instruction.  We will peace out until you respond.
Gracie Bumgaurtner
Beverly Hills 90212

gracie...gracie..gracie......given  your  alledged  situation.....i think  it  is  way  toodamn  late  to  stick  any  of  your  offspring  behind  the  wheel  ......of  anything ....what  gots  tires  on  it.... .those  things  can  make  you   move  forward......   but....that  bein  said... try  to  ingrain  into  that  212  brain  of  hers......  NO.. FEMALE.. LEFTS.. that  bein... a  left  turn  ..to be  executed.. at  any  juncture....is  to  be  at  a  true  90  degree  angle..........not  a fkn 39.5  angle....with  a  fkn  cellphone  stuck  in  her  ear..... and  knockin  some  old  bastards..bumper  and  drivers  side  headlight   into  the  intersection .... NO.. .FKN... FEMALE... LEFTS .....hope  this  helps....

Office Etiquitte

Dear Old Mister Marck,
I am currently in a business meeting with around 70 people. I do not work directly with any of them so you can imagine the discomfort. How would you manage this uncomfortable situation?
JMF in Nashville

70  people  in  a  meetin.....you  sure  you  not  at  a  vanderbilt  football  game.....i  would  fight  discomfort   with  malcomfort .....fartin  loudly  aromatically  and  constantly.....or   raise  your  arm   and  sniff  your  armpit...more  than  twice...pissin  on  the  plastic  tree  in  the  corner  of  the  room.....  by  followin  these  suggests   i  highly  doubt  you  will   you  will  find  yourself  in  such  a  situation   in  the  future  ... hope  this  helps

The Anonymous Hacker: Live Coverage

the  waters  rose  up.......the  big  trees  blew  down......hear  tell  of  people..   ... and  they    got  drowned.......like  floatin   timbers... in  a  river  that  aint.....i  thot  these  times.  owned...... a  patron  saint......... step  yourself ......  on   to  the  outside.....you  find  you  got......  nothin  to  hide......nowhere  you  can  go ..,that  the  wind  dont  blow.. ........nothin  the  wind  dont  know .......   ... the  smell  of  the  pyre.......the  moon  climbin  higher......and  the  constant  rain ..... it   falls  again.........if  this  aint  life.....  then  there  aint   no  livin........

Troubled in PA

My old auntie, Aunt Festus, seems to be greatly distraught. I think this may be a cause/effect result of the current state of flux in the NFL. She would not want to miss watching her Steelers. What could you suggest to help us?
Yours,
Uncle Hazel, Sully Skates, Pennsylvania

hazel....my  man.....please.......if  you  still  be  livin  with  that  old  "auntie"  of  yours........you  damn  sure  need  some    suggestionin........... tell  the  old  wench    that   she  and   the  steeler  nation  are  bad  humanwanttabes.......that  should   direct  her  distraughtness  elsewhere.........hope  this  helps 

Curious Aspects of Animal Behavior

Dear Old Mister Marck,
Do turtles really come out of their shells when not confronting enemies?
Yours, Curious

an excellent thot to pontificate .......best i can remember .......most my  turdlettes ... come  out  pertty .. rapidly ..... when i was endurin one of them  enemas ..... what th hell ....... hope  this  helps

Workin'

Dear Old Mister Marck,
I graduated from college almost 1 1/2 years ago and I still don't have a job. What would you recommend I go into, with a degree in English and American Literature?
Avalon in Tennessee

well  ms  avalon ... based  on  that  information ....i  think  you  should  go  into .....  the  closest  beer  store .....get  a  18 pack ..... go  to  a  safe  place .... drink  the  contents.... that  should  ease  your  worryin ...... although ... knew  a  feller  once  degreed  up  similarly (alledgedly) ...... he  went  to  puttin  down  floors...   cant  say  how  that  worked  out  for  him .... hope  this  helps

Holiday Inquiry

Senor Anciano Marrco, 
Why they are pastellio colored conejo in my front yard? They are armed with huevos de color. Should I fear?
N. Barldo, Guadalajara

well mi amigo poco .... this time of ' the seasons around here we have domingo de resurreccion  ....... easter you know. ......... but i truly do not know what the hell a rabbit and colored eggs have to do with any  of that ....... i  degress ... to answer your question .........dont fear the rabbit ....... hope this helps

Relocation Inquiries

Dear Old Mister Marck
I'm thinking  perhaps of relocating to the  Southeast.  I am an avid equestrian. Would you recommend  Tennessee or Kentucky  as the  most horse-friendly  state? 
Mo in Jersey

well ma'am you have asked a very good  quandry...... i myself am a libra..... if  you be a aquestrianist ...... i  guess  you  cant  help  that......but....as  far  as  bein  horsey.... all i  know about them  is.....they are 1200#s of  malicious hairy beasts ...... only put on this earth to do bodily harm to mankind ...... so i  reckon you can use your own good judgement on that ...... did  used to sell horse feed  years ago now that  you mention it ..... hope  this  helps

International Requests

Dear Old Mister Marck,
My name is Avak Sebouh Antraing. I live now in Armenia. I would love to live in America. Any thought you might have would be greatly regarded.
A.S. Antraing, Armenia

avak....come on down....dont see no reason that you should not ..... what th hell .. .theres all types  of 'nians around here in this ...USA ..... we would be tickled to see you ....hope  this  helps .........[ you gonna buy  a beer/bakker  store?]

Self-Sustainability

Dear OldMisterMarck,
We are trying to teach our children to be cognizant of self-sustainability. Any tips?
Clarice in Vermont

Dear Clarice,
thats a good question... in my youth i found myself in a situation that required self sustainability..... so i put on my oversized jacket....walked to the local market of that town....stuffed said jacket with various food items......went to the counter...bought..a stick of gum.....walked out...back to the place i was stayin......i did not starve that week....hope this helps.......

Connubial Perplexment

Dear OldMisterMarck,
My  husband aint got  no  job. He  sits around and drinks beer all  day,  and I think he be smokin  dope. Might  you  have  words  that  would  straiten  hiss  ass  out?
Maybelle in South Georgia

well  maybelle ... i  can  tell  you  if  you  are a  bigolesouthgeorgia350pounder   fried  chicken woofin  hag like i think  you  might  be......i  truly  cant  blame  the  skrawny little  feller. ... hope  this  helps