Animal House

Dear Old Mister Marck: Down here where we live, our neighbor's pets are causing damage to our landscaping and our curb appeal. My wife and I  thought perhaps you  could help. Yours, Bubber Paris, Texas Yes .... yes ... Bubber  my  man...  i  have  done... i  mean  i have spent time  in  that  part  of texas ..... that  bein said ... i  think  i might  be  correct  on  this  one ... your  neighbors  pets  is  more  than likely... armadllios ... and/or ... lizards  or  rodents  of  equal  size ... your  double-wide  in  the  dust ... probably  needs  some  aereatin  and irragatin  and  fertilizin ... trust  me ... dont  worry  bout  it ... tell  mrs. bubber ... (when  she  gets out) ... that you gots  a  plan .... hope this helps

A Sporting Chance

Dear Old Mister Marck:
First let me say that I am so glad that you are not dead. I've missed your insights these past few months. My boyfriend and I enjoy going to various sports bars on Sundays to watch NFL football games. We meet our friends and make new ones. But lately we have noticed a large group of men in suits and dark glasses at each bar we might attend. Do you think that we are under surveillance?
Leigh in Rutherford

Well, miss leigh ... i  also  may  or  may  not  be  glad  i aint  dead too ...been  on a adventure  that  took  a little  time .... but in  regards  to  your  concerns ... you aint  bein  followed  and/or   monitored  ....them  men  are  just  fresh  out  of their  respective  church  meetins ... wear  the  shades  for camofluage ...... they  just want  some  beer ... whisky ... eyecandy .... and  watch  some  football ..... should  be  pretty  much  harmless ... unless  they be  all drunked  up ... and  you  are  wearing  the  other  teams  colors ... hope  this  helps...