Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Telephone Trouble

Dear Old Mister Marck:
I reside in my house alone, by myself. The phone rings frequently and I must scurry to answer  it. I have almost fallen more than once in trying to answer the phone. Your advice, young man, will be gratefully considered. Thank you.
Miss Vela Groom
Newtown, TN


Miss Vela... how  nice  that  you  would  call  me  young... that  leads me  to  think  that  youre  probably  older  than me... i  do  have  the  answer (write  this  down  ma'am): just  because  the  f^%#*n  phone  rings ...does  not  mean  you  have  to  answer  it.... your  phone  most  likely  has  caller ID  on it.. .let the damn thing  ring... and worry with it  later... i am in the phonebook... call  if i can assist you  further.... hope  this  helps.....

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Animal House

Dear Old Mister Marck:
Down here where we live, our neighbor's pets are causing damage to our landscaping and our curb appeal. My wife and I  thought perhaps you  could help.
Yours, Bubber
Paris, Texas


Yes .... yes ... Bubber  my  man...  i  have  done... i  mean  i have spent time  in  that  part  of texas ..... that  bein said ... i  think  i might  be  correct  on  this  one ... your  neighbors  pets  is  more  than likely... armadllios ... and/or ... lizards  or  rodents  of  equal  size ... your  double-wide  in  the  dust ... probably  needs  some  aereatin  and irragatin  and  fertilizin ... trust  me ... dont  worry  bout  it ... tell  mrs. bubber ... (when  she  gets out) ... that you gots  a  plan .... hope this helps


Thursday, 13 October 2011

A Sporting Chance

Dear Old Mister Marck:
First let me say that I am so glad that you are not dead. I've missed your insights these past few months. My boyfriend and I enjoy going to various sports bars on Sundays to watch NFL football games. We meet our friends and make new ones. But lately we have noticed a large group of men in suits and dark glasses at each bar we might attend. Do you think that we are under surveillance?
Leigh in Rutherford


Well, miss leigh ... i  also  may  or  may  not  be  glad  i aint  dead too ...been  on a adventure  that  took  a little  time .... but in  regards  to  your  concerns ... you aint  bein  followed  and/or   monitored  ....them  men  are  just  fresh  out  of their  respective  church  meetins ... wear  the  shades  for camofluage ...... they  just want  some  beer ... whisky ... eyecandy .... and  watch  some  football ..... should  be  pretty  much  harmless ... unless  they be  all drunked  up ... and  you  are  wearing  the  other  teams  colors ... hope  this  helps...

Friday, 10 June 2011

Earth Science

Dear Old Mister Marck,
My name is Kellie. I am very curious about the brood xix cicadas. They came, made noise and splattered on my car. My car is a '99 Honda Accord. Sweet sound system. Its color is blue, which is my favorite color because Mother almost named me Blue. But I came out a girl and not a boy. It that not so
hilarious!!?? Oops, I almost forgot. What is going on with brood xix?
Kellie

P.S. I am a middle school teacher in Lower South Kentucky which is not the same as Upper North Kentucky. Me and Daddy -- he's the principal -- anxiously await your reply.

 .......hon ... i  truly  do  appreciate.... you  axin  me .... about  them  ceecaders...   but  i  do  not  think ..... any  thing  i  may  or  may  not  tell  you...... is  worth  the  effort...... hope  this  helps....

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Animal Control Problems

Hello Mr.Marck,
I have a pest problem at work.No it’s not the 2 legged kind of pest but the 4 legged kind. I hear tell that you are an expert on squirrels. Here is my problem.We recently discovered that we have a squirrel living under the refrigerator in our warehouse. So as not to cause  any harm,we have taken him outside 3 times,  but the little critter just keeps coming back in. All he does all day is scamper across the warehouse floor looking for morcels of left over food that the sloppy sales people drop on the floor. Would it be considered inhumane to drop kick him across the parking lot, or should we just let him live in our warehouse and make a good pet out of him? We have thought about trapping him in a sales office with a certain salesperson and cut the lights off and see what happens. What are your thoughts?
Signed,
Jethro from Gobblers Knob



gobblers  knob.....  i  was  in  proximity  of  that place  ... just  a couple  months  ago....... in  search  of  a pint  of  ...human  ethanol  as it  were....  now  anybody  what  gots  a  job.... they  gonna  have  pest  problemos..... .and  you  got  that  right... I am  bona  fide  squirrel  expert well-knowledged...... i  truly  do  not  know  how  any  human   bein.....  with  any  amount  of  decency.... would  go  field goal  on  one  of  earths  tiniest  critters....( even  tho  they  just  be  Bushytailedtreeclimbinnuteatinwastesoffur) .............  i  would  suggest..... that  you  dropkick  them  poodlewalkin.... ... patent leather   size 15 shoe lickin... food  droppin.... "sales"people across the  parkin  lot.... tell em  to go  home  and ...... and  smack  their  mammies........  and  that  lights  out  lock-up  thing......now  that  would  depend  on  the  "sales"person....... probably  one  or  two  of  them  there... that  would  kinda  like  the  attention..... hope  this  helps...

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Job-Hunting Strategies

Dear Old Mister Mark,
I am in my mid-fifties and through no fault of my own have lost my job. I have had plenty of job interviews but for some reason no offers. I feel like my honesty in the interview process is hurting my opportunity for new employment. My question to you, Mister Marck, is: should I be dishonest about jail time and substance abuse when questioned because it always seems to cut interview short, Please advise, as I need a job.
Mack from Tunica, Mississippi


damnit  mack.... i  truly do  feel  your  pain... i  hold  absolute  honesty  in  the  highest  of  regards..... such  philosophy  has  cost myself  many  a  job...... as  i  see  you  be  from  tunica... i  would  almost  think  that that  bunch  of  folks  ....would understand  a man  coolin  his  jets  for  awhile  incarcerated......... as  far  as  substance  abuse..... aint  no  such  thing...... hunt  my  ass down  if  you  ever  get  up  this  way ....... i  do  believe  you  could   help  me help  you.... hope this  helps  ......... 

Friday, 6 May 2011

Night Moves

I retired early. I had a precise lifeplan.  One night in cancun  has unfortunately altered things quite dramatically.  Your take on this, please.
Henri Fancerow
Cherry Valley, Virginia


ohh  yeahhh.......a  night in ...cancun.......i  had  a night  .....in  amarillo  texas  once.... didnt  last  too long....... but....i  reckon  my  take  would  be........ you  pretty  much  screwed  up ......in  a gigantesco  fashion.....  dont  know  what age  you  might  be .........but ........learn   to  accept   your  misery .....you  damn  sure  earned it........  not  that  there  is  nothin  wrong  with  that .......hope  this  helps...